Community is Worth the Search

I was sitting in a circle of about 40 people in the western mountains of Massachusetts. It was summertime with no air conditioning, but my Buffalo blood loved the lack of that frigid, fake air and felt comfortable in a sleeveless sundress. While there were a few women donning the trademark Lululemon insignias, it was mostly folks in label-free yoga wear or t-shirts and shorts. The clothes alone made me feel comfortable being there without knowing a soul. “Come as you are” would be the motto and these people would mean it.

We were instructed to write a one line response to, “Something you know to be true”. Our teacher gave us a beautiful example of the maple trees and smell of sap in Vermont. The first thing I wrote without thinking was, “I know how it feels to stand in a group of moms and feel utterly alone.”

I started to judge myself, thought about writing something else, something more positive, but I felt so at home with this group that I gently reminded myself to stop being critical and I shared it out loud. It was a deep personal truth that I had known for almost a decade, but never voiced to more than my closest circle.

We could analyze why I should or shouldn’t feel this way, but the point I want to convey to you today is that your people are out there, waiting for you to find them. Now that I’ve had time to reflect, I think the reason this particular truth bubbled up was because I was realizing in that moment the contrast of how different it felt to feel at ease with a group.

Maybe you fit in seamlessly with all of the communities you find yourself in. Great! But maybe, you are like me and while there are a ton of nice, friendly people it’s taken a lot of time to find the ones who make you feel good inside and figure out how to act when you don’t. It can be draining.

Which is why it’s so crucial to find the people with whom you feel like you can completely be yourself. It’s one of the reasons I love running this business - the people who enroll in my programs are my people! I’m sure it’s one of the (subconscious) reasons I started Orchid Story in the first place.

If at times you feel like an odd duck, this is me encouraging you to branch out. I know it’s one of those memes that we’ve seen too many times (FInd your tribe!) but maybe that’s because it holds truth. You may have to drive a distance to find them. They may be online. It may be a support group. Keep yourself open to opportunities to find them.

Actively searching for and finding community last year was good for my soul. I’m convinced it helped me build resilience for major life challenges that came soon after. When I think about the writing retreat in the Berkshires I feel full of warmth and connection. Just knowing those people are out in the world makes me feel less resistance and more positivity in my life. I think that’s what it’s all about - the connection. We all need this, require it in order to find contentment and peace. Maybe that’s why you are here, reading this. Let’s keep building this together - a community of people who believe that our stories, no matter how challenging, are our strength.

Dementia Made Me My Mom’s Mom, And It’s Devastating. Here’s Why It’s Also A Gift.

You can't know if you don't ask.

Recently, on a ball field in my town, I was chatting with one of the dads. I hadn't seen his wife for while, which didn't seem unusual. Two working parents, two young kids, your typical busy family. I said to this man something so callous, like: "Where's your wife been hiding, I haven't seen her in forever?"

His response made my stomach churn. She hadn't been feeling well and they were having a hard time figuring out what was going on, despite involving numerous health care providers.

This possibility hadn't even crossed my mind. 

So often we are stuck in our own worlds to the degree that we don't even take notice of what's happening in the world around us. And I'm not talking about the bigger world and feeling bad about not being involved in social justice or the myriad of other causes we might choose to dedicate energy to. I'm talking about the people in our community, in our circles, on our streets. The ones we see without really seeing. 

We do need to take care of ourselves before we can serve others. And yet, people around us, people we see each week, are suffering and we don't even know it. There were many opportunities to ask about this mom, to notice that I hadn't seen her at all in weeks, before I did. 

We make the assumption that everyone else has everything figured out while we are still trying to get the laundry that was done five days ago back into the drawers. But it's simply not true. I don't care if that person drives one of those huge, extravagant SUVs or shows up for every school event with vegan cupcakes. Every single one of us is suffering in some way and sometimes people are going through difficult times right under our noses. If we don't ask how people are doing, we can't know. If we don't know, we can't help. 

This conversation on the baseball field reminded me of all this. When I'm suffering all I want is for someone to reach out and say: I see you, keep going, I have faith in you.

Let's do that for others too.